*Update* Status of Chapter 3

It's coming! I'm working on it pipl so stop hounding me. You can't rush art! ...Not that my work is exactly anything artful but nonetheless, it shall be done when it is done. =^.^=

I am just having some trouble with things, changes in decisions where I want the story to go from here, how I want details to be presented, all that fun stuff. Being a writer is such ward work Q.Q

Chapter Two: Imposibility of Wonder.

AS MY THOUGHTS GATHERED AND I STARTED to regain my senses I realized what was about to happen. Indeed, there was a car in the road; however, I was in no danger from it as it was far off and not likely to reach me soon. I also noticed my pace had slowed almost to a crawl. While I was still enroute to Kyle’s I was no where close to arriving and it was now bordering on three o’clock in the afternoon,

“Stop dawdling, girl! “ I thought to myself. It was relatively early in the day still, but I would need to hurry if I wished to make it home before dark. And, I did wish to make it home before dark. It was during the night that everything was the clearest, an oxymoron for sure, but true nonetheless.

When the sun completely faded away for the day, the memories that hurt the most were relived, with the rawest of intensities. I suffered in the dark and it was horrible, perhaps the reason why I had difficulty sleeping. I couldn’t hide in this absence of light, and all the awful truths of everything were borne openly for me to face. Sometimes I felt like I was torturing myself, other times I felt like there was an outside force at work, yet in neither instance did I have any level of control over the happenings. Regardless, when the sun fell and the black filled the sky, I was grieved, as if I was plunged into Purgatory during the night - laid out to take my sufferings in the form of painful memories and overpowering, negative feelings - to be pulled back upon the return of the sun. It was not so, but I had no other explanation for any of it, aside from believing myself insane and I was not ready to admit that just yet. The thought of nightfall made me quicken my pace.

“Are we worried now? Does the night scare us?”

The tone of my voice was different then it had been earlier, it was almost mocking me, sounding spiteful.

“Poor, little Kimberly. With her silly, pathetic fears, yes. So worried about being caught in the dark. Alone! And with her debilitating memories.”

I was certain now; this voice had malice in it. I became unsettled.

“What is wrong with you? First you toy with my emotions, then you worry I am going to be late. Now you taunt me? My own mind is not that indecisive. ”

I was annoyed, something did not add up. It was as if this voice -distinctly mine but with a subtle difference I could not put my finger on - was trying to unnerve me, or start something, perhaps an internal argument. I couldn’t be sure, but then, I caught it. ‘Us’.

The voice has referred to us as the same individual, whereas earlier it has separated it and myself into different individuals. So were there two different voices I was hearing in my head now? That was absurd. Though, I couldn’t help but think I was not far off.

__________________________________________________1

“You’re referring to us as the same individual now? Earlier you spoke like we are different people and now we aren‘t? If you are in my head then we are the same person, so why the change now?”

There was no response for what seemed a very long time. I waited for an answer, stopped walking. This conversation was distracting me, and although I wanted to arrive at Kyle’s as soon as possible, I could not help but feel I needed closure on this mental impasse. Then it spoke, as if sensing I was waiting.

“No, there is no difference! You are me and I…”

Hesitation. I felt the voice was hiding something from me but I did not try to pry it out. It didn’t give time to.

“We are the same, yes. You will see! Very soon, too.” The voice sounded almost pleased, as if there was some unseen expectation lurking. “But you were not talking to me earlier, no. That was not me. That was you!”

Now I was confused and frightened. What was going on? Surely, I had lost my mind somewhere. Maybe I had set it down for a quick second and forgotten to grab it. On the other hand, perhaps I had lost my mind a while ago and only now was I realizing. These voices were both distinct and clear, neither of them were the same however and this bothered me. Two different voices in my head, both speaking to me. I needed to get to the bottom of my this - figure out if I had lost my mind, or if something else was at work here- very soon However, it would have to wait, unlike Kyle. I had kept him long enough and I could ignore the voices, I hoped. A few second later, I was proven wrong.

“You cannot ignore me!” The voice boomed, and I leaped, startled by the sudden volume, “You will not deny me, Kimberly!”

I cringed and closed my eyes tight. The voice was thundering in my skull, echoing off the emptiness left by the absence of my brain. It was almost painful and I wanted to scream at it to stop, and again, I was denied the chance to reproach.

“You will see. Very soon now, yes. It comes.”

I opened my eyes as the voice went silent; giving me the reprieve I had hoped for. I had held them shut so tightly that tears had begun to drip down my face. My head ached, as did my hands, I had been pressing them tightly into the sides of my skull - as if to keep an outbound pressure in. Admits the commotion I had dropped to my knees. Then the voice spoke again - clearly, there was no escape from its whispers - and as it did, there was a note of excitement in the tone.

“It comes!” It was eager.

__________________________________________________ 2

I could almost taste it in my mouth, leaving a bitter and dry taste; almost metallic. Before I could act, I felt myself rise up to my feet and turn, a numbness creeping over my body… I was standing in the middle of the crosswalk, facing into oncoming traffic. Kyle and I both lived in a quiet residential area and traffic was normally light, today was no different, although I did notice a car heading my direction. I my mind went blank briefly before I could recognize it was the same one I had noticed moments ago; I must have been stalling more then I was aware. It startled me then when my feet started moving again, I was not walking of my own volition and I couldn’t stop myself either.

“What’s going on?” I cried out in panic. There was no response from anyone, which only worsened my fright.

My feet slowly began to increase their pace and I was now moving at a stride towards the car. In a flash of a second, I realized I was heading straight towards it and my feet weren’t stopping. I had disregarded it reaching me, and now I was going to reach it instead.

“Oh god, that car is going to hit me! Why can‘t I stop my feet?”

At that instant, I broke out into a run. The driver had noticed me and started to honk the horn. My course did not alter and I was starting to hyperventilate. Despite all my efforts, I could not stop myself. I had lost control of my body to an unseen force. I felt as if I was going to pass out, from fear and lack of air, when the assailant made itself known.

“Little Kimberly, all frightened and full of panic. Doesn’t know why she can’t control her legs!"

I cried out in horror and once again tried to stop myself but to no avail. I was headed directly for the car and I wasn’t showing any signs of slowing. The driver had tried to swerve in to the other lane to avoid me but my feet adjusted and moved me into its path again. The driver started to lay on the horn and steered back into the proper lane. I was mere moments from a collision. I felt the world closing in on me, panic gripping my heart and squeezing tightly. I was mentally exhausted now and fighting with all my energy to regain control over my body, although I had no idea how I had lost it in the fist place, let alone regain it at all. The future did not so look bright for me, and in the back of my mind, something started to welcome it.

I could hear whispers and sense emotions, that flooded my mind, telling me to accept death and that it would end all my suffering, and that I could be with Ashleigh again. I knew it to be a lie. Killing myself would not end any suffering; only cause more, especially to those close to me. And no matter how much I was missing Ashleigh I would never want to cause more suffering in the lives of those I loved, I could never be that callous. These thoughts in the back of my head were sinister, and dark. I needed to silence them before then enveloped me completely; already I could feel myself being lured to them.

“Shut up. Shut the Hell up!” I yelled out abruptly, in the most commanding voice I could muster. It was a feeble attempt to counter the hateful tone.

__________________________________________________ 3

Talking to voices in my head, thinking of ways to shut them out. I’d fallen over the edge and was swimming in the deep end now. Maybe it was time I sought help. How much longer was I going to go on like this, and how much more could I take of my own lies? I wasn’t happy like this, the fact that I could even now admit to it was proof enough. Admitting it also made me feel good, like maybe there was some hope after all. I think I felt a smile cross my face, but all too suddenly, it was washed away by terror.

My mind snapped back to reality and I was faced with the startling truth that I was still in the path of an on-coming car. I had forgotten about it while I prattled away in my mind but now it was crashing back into reality. I was still running directly at the car, it was still trying to avoid me, and there was an odd sensation running through my spine that something was off with this situation. A split second later, I picked out what had seemed amiss and everything froze.

I remember only a couple of things from that point, the details of which are slightly fuzzy. First off, I was running at a car that showed no signs of slowing itself down or stopping. Secondly - and this detail stuck out the sharpest, making me wonder why I didn’t catch it sooner - there was no driver in the car. How could I have missed something as blatantly obvious as a car without a driver? It didn’t make a lick of sense, nor did the fact I stopped moving the second I came to this realization. I had frozen dead in my tracks, but the car kept coming. It no longer attempted to avoid be, but rather started to speed up. The front bumper was mere feet from me now, and it would hit at any moment. At that second, I felt control of my body return. The numbness that has washed over me faded and I could control my body once again. However, despite my apparent freedom I made no movement to get out of the car’s path. It was too late had I even tried.

But something was still wrong. I had control of my motor functions again, but I had no desire to move. This was what was not right. I was depressed and miserable, no use in denying that, but I wasn’t suicidal. If anything, I was just lazy, refusing to make the effort to change my depression. And then it happened again.

The thoughts of death flooded my mind once more, and I found myself drowning in them. They assaulted me with renewed vigor and fury. My vision was wrought, with images, of the car crashing in to me, of my body being annihilated by the vicious speed of the impact, and of an intangible manifestation of my burdens being released, by the freedom of death. It felt liberating, almost too enjoyable to be true. Yet it all seemed as if I wanted it, for real, with no doubt in my mind. This feeling wasn’t mine. I did not want to die, not under these circumstances, but try as I might, I could not escape them. This feeling was put in my brain by an unseen hand, and I could not remove it as it wrapped itself around my mind and smothered me.

“Do you feel it now, Kimberly? Does it make you whole? You can be free of this, all you need to do is give up. Let me in, Kimberly.”

And then it hit. Not the car, but the realization that this malevolent voice was behind these unwelcome feelings. My voice twisted into a nightmare and bent on assaulting me with a demise sought to bring reprieve.

__________________________________________________ 4

But there was no such reprieve. There is no escape so easily brought about without consequence. Were I do die like this, in the wriggling grip of self-defeat, I would find nothing but anguish, as would those I leave behind. But it was too late. My eyes stared straight ahead, as the car moved within inches of my body. What I felt next could only be described as a ‘falling’ sensation. There was no pain, just falling. Everything went black, and as it did, I truly thought I had died.

There was no sound, or sensations other then falling.. Was this what the transition from life to death was like? I was a bit disappointed if this was all that there was, I admit, I expected more. Lights, or sounds at every least, but this was just… nothingness. It was impossible to measure any passage of time so I did not even bother, there was nothing I could do really, except float around in this nothingness. At first I simply waited, if I were dead, I would soon find myself in some sort of afterlife; the very fact that I was still mentally conscious was proof that one existed. Or so at least I thought as much. I would eventually have to drift into something would I not? Heaven or Hell, or the next life, either way I was going to find out the truth to one of life’s greatest mysteries. How unfortunate it was I would be unable to share it with anyone still living. ‘Oh well’, I thought to myself. I had seemingly forgotten about everything else. What did it matter now though, now that I was dead. There was really, nothing I could do about it anymore.

Just as I had accepted my fate, I felt a tingling sensation. It was similar to when a limb ‘falls asleep’, and goes numb. Hope filled my mind, as I was surely about to come out of this limbo. And I was sort of right, sounds started to come back to me. At first, I could not make out what they were but they became clearer after a short moment. It was the wind. I could hear the wind! It was blowing softly, but enough to make a noticeable sound. Wherever I was headed, it was apparently windy. I felt slightly giddy.

I started to become excited, all the negativity I had been feeling was draining from me as if a plug had been pulled somewhere. It was a relief, but I was focused on the wind and the anticipation was starting to kill me, how ironic I thought. It was then that I could suddenly feel the wind. It was cold and startled me. Again, it was something I had not expected, and more disappointment was met. Nevertheless I was content, about to begin a new life somewhere beyond the mundane. It was thrilling.

And then my sight returned, and with it came pain. I was thrown off guard, this wasn’t thrilling at all. I was hurting; it was not localized, and was more of a throbbing. As my vision began to clear, everything was lit by a dull, red hue. I blinked my eyes a few times to try and focus them but they remained blurry and all I saw was red. I realized I was lying on my back, and attempted to sit up, though as I did the pain became directed and immediately my head started pounding. Perhaps this was a residual feeling from my death, I had been hit by a car after all, and my head no doubt crashed into something. To begin the afterlife with a headache was minor, and I could weather it, but it was the redness I could not get past. Again, I tried to blink and focus my eyes, this time with success. As they focused, my eyes caught sight of the source of the red. It was the sky, dull and crimson red. There was no sun, no clouds or anything else, just red sky. As I started into it, the sky almost seemed to be swirling, as if there was a whirlpool there. For a second I thought that not entirely foolish, the sky - the normal, blue one of course - was sometimes thought as a reflection of water, although with the sky bring red it did seem odd.

__________________________________________________ 5

“You’re awake, finally.” It disoriented me and I couldn’t tell where this voice had come from.

It sounded familiar, yet something was different. This was becoming an unwelcome trend, I was not comfortable with all these voices assaulting me and not identifying themselves. I should have paid more attention to this one though; I might have recognized it faster.

“You seem confused, Kimberly. Do you not recognize your own voice anymore? Is it because you have stopped listening with your ears and pay attention only to your head? You’ve become quite pathetic in that way.”

My twisted voice again, but it wasn’t in my head. I was hearing it with my ears this time and my eyes shot around trying to find a source but they came up empty.

“Where are you? Why do you hide from me?

There was no response, just the wind whistling by my head. My vision has fully cleared now and I realized I was sitting in the middle of a clearing. The landscape was twisted, like a nightmare. Obviously, this wasn’t Heaven. The grass was a dead, green colour and felt dry, while all the trees resembled overgrown thorn stalks, black like coal, which curled and spiraled towards the red sky. Was this Hell? Was that where I have ended up? My breathing started to become erratic and I felt like panic creep around me, then I was startled on to my knees when I felt a hand press against my shoulder. I spun around to see whose hand had been placed there, and was met with something I never would have never expected to see.

I was standing before myself, or rather; someone that looked identical to me was standing there. She was wearing long white and black horizontal striped stockings and wore simple, single strapped shoes. She was dressed in a long black dress that puffed out at the waist, with a white apron tied around her that hung down to her knees and had a single pocket in the center of it. Her arms were bare and crossed against her chest as she looked down at me. Her attire was vaguely familiar. But her face, it troubled me to no end; it was identical to mine in every way. Even her hair mirrored my exact cut and style, long and straight combed, and black as ink. I couldn’t find the words to ask who she was, but in some ways, I think I knew.

“Does something trouble you, dear? Is my appearance not pleasing to you anymore? That would mean you are no longer happy with yourself then either, my sweet. But… isn’t that the case anyhow?” She laughed, though it was more of a giggle, and it felt mocking.

Her facial expression was condescending, and the look on it suggested she had something sinister crawling through her head. I was frightened, very much, and dazed. How could I be standing there, and sitting here at the same time? She sounded exactly like me, but with a slight tone of hate and cruelty in it. But there could be no doubt, she was me and I was at a loss of words. Very gracefully she moved towards me, reaching down, and grasping my under my arms, pulling me up and onto my feet. We stood face to face now, a few inches apart now. She still held me, tightly, almost hurting me. From this view, I could now clearly see her eyes. They were black, no white to be seen, with yellowed irises; almost feral. I couldn’t help but stare right into them.

__________________________________________________ 6

“Who the hell are you?”

“Now now! There is no need to be rude, Kimberly. You know who I am” I did, she was right. But I didn’t understand what was going on.

My mind reeled. Was I dead? Was I in hell? So many questions to ask yet I couldn’t bring myself to ask them.

“You are me?” It was all I could manage to blurt out, it was more of a statement then a question.

"Well aren’t you a regular Sherlock Holmes, so astute!” She was mocking me, and her voice rang in my ears. I felt like I was hollow and her voice was echoing off my interior. It was a very nerve wrecking feeling to say the least.

“You’re still confused. I can see it in your eyes, dear girl. Let me explain things to you then!”

Her tone was almost delighted, like she had been waiting for me to arrive in this situation so she could tell me whatever she was about to say. All I could was gawk at her, with my jaw dropped open, and my expression mostly blank with a slight hint of disbelief in it.

“First off Kimberly, you are not dead nor are you in Hell. Silly goose… why on Earth you would ever think such a thing is beyond me. No, you are very much alive. Don’t you recognize the lands of your dreams? Well, they are dreams to me, and nightmares to you, but that’s a petty detail.

“But isn’t it beautiful here? It truly is a wonderland. Your Wonderland, all twisted and dark. A truly delightful sight! You will soon become very familiar with it, Kimberly, perhaps even like it here. I mean, I very much like it here. But then again, why wouldn‘t I? You created me in this world, you Kimberly, created me with this world. I guess you could say I owe my life to you. ”

I created her? This is Wonderland? What was she talking about? None of this made sense. Wonderland was not real, it existed only in stories, but here I was apparently, in my own version of it. My head spun with confusion and it was going to boil over soon, I could feel it happening already. This ‘Wonderland’ version of me had taken my by the hands and had started to sway back and forth. She seemed to be enjoying herself, even more so as she noticed my confusion. I almost thought it delighted her. I couldn’t take anymore of this nonsense and I needed answers.

I pulled my hands free and backed away several paces. She stopped and just looked at me, confusion filling her expression now.

“None of this makes any sense! My head is killing me and you are going off about something that I can’t even begin to understand.”

She clapped her hands, applauding my lack of comprehension, smiled and nodded. She knew I didn’t understand and it pleased her. From what I had gathered so far, the person, who claimed to be me, enjoyed negative reactions and emotions. She was literally enjoying it; I almost feel it was intentional that she put me in this state.

“How can this be true, that I am in Wonderland, or my own ‘version’ of it. It doesn’t exist, it’s a story.”

“No, not a story, it is all real. As real as you wish it to be Kimberly!”

“But I don’t wish any of this to be true! I just want to go back to where I was. I want to go back to my life!”

__________________________________________________ 7

“None of this is real.”

“What about the car?” She giggled again, pleased she had thrown me deeper into confusion.

I remembered the car. Had I truly been hit by the vehicle or was that something my mind made up. If the latter was the case then it was the most vivid and creative thing I have ever experienced, as well as the most terrifying; as far as hallucinations went. My train of thought was interrupted by my double’s voice again.

“Yes, the car! What a delightful event. I never would have thought you capable of such deception, within yourself no less!” Ecstasy dripped off her words as she spoke, and she had begun to prance about the clearing in a circle around me while she carried on, “Kim you are such fun! I very much enjoyed that. It took little effort to persuade you into a delusion. You created a whole event, within your mind, and I know it appeared to seemingly come from, yes. We make a magnificent team, simply marvelous.”

She continued prancing, and began to hum a tune to herself. I was stunned with turmoil. I had created the whole thing in my head. The entire event was a delusion. Was I that mentally unstable that I was tormenting myself with disaster? But she claimed to have had a hand in all of it, so I could not be completely to blame. At least I thought it that way.

Almost as soon as I had thought those words, my double stopped dancing and walked slowly towards me. Sitting down in front of me. She patted her lap, beckoning me to sit in it with her. I refused and took another pace backwards. Her expression immediately switched from calm to fury, greatly hurt by my reaction.

“Sit!” She bellowed, the wind picking up pace and mimicking her tone.

Instantaneously I was drawn towards her. It was exactly same as when my legs moved of their own volition and moved me in the direction of that car, although I knew now, that was just a lie and never happened. Nonetheless, I walked towards her and sat in her lap, my back against her breast. She wrapped her arms around me, hugging me, as well as forming a restraint. She clearly did not want me to move. It was also clear that in this place, this Wonderland, she could exert a level of control over me, greater then in the real world. She began to rock slightly and her mood once again shifted back to the blissful state it had been moments ago.

“You smell very good, and you’re soft to hold, yes. I just want to cuddle you forever. Wouldn‘t that be nice?”

No, it would not be nice. I did not want to remain like this forever, nor did I want to anything more to do with her. Everything was bubbling up and beginning to boil over. I was beside myself with grief; as if I would never find the answers I sought.

“You worry too much, dear Kimberly! I shouldn’t be surprised by that though, I am you in any case. Stop worrying, you’re answers will come.” I had just finished thinking about seeking answers when she spoke. It was as if she could read my thoughts, and if that were true, then there was nowhere I could hide from her.

__________________________________________________ 8

Her grip tightened around me, squeezing my breath short yet still allowing me air. She was showing me I was correct, she could read my mind. I felt strangled, but she did not ease up her wrap. We both sat there rocking slowly as she held me, the way a mother holds a child as she comforts it, protective but controlling. I ran over everything in my head from the time I left my house, until this moment. All the details seemed cloudy and I was unable to clearly remember everything. The more I tried, the cloudier they became, until some of them were completely gone. I had gaps, pieces of my though were missing, I had to focus.

I started back, leaving my house first. I traced my path from the phone call with Kyle, to me leaving out the front door. And there it stopped and became dark. Suddenly I was remembering the feeling of desolation, of a desire to want everything to be over so I wouldn’t have to suffer, then it faded and I was back on track to Kyle’s house. Moments later, I could remember the conversation in my head, and it started to creep back in. Again, I felt a need for everything to end, some longing to be somewhere else where my misery could not find me. I wanted to forget Ashleigh, the fire, my friends. I wanted it all to be gone, but before I could dwell on it any further I was once again back on track. Walking, thinking, and talking with myself. The delusion of the fatal car accident that ultimately had sent me here. Every time I felt a gap, the feeling was the same, dark and sinister. Each time I felt the desire to escape it all. And each time I saw a face, with eyes black like emotionless voids. My face, my twisted double’s face.

She was present in every occurrence, every instance of despair, clearly she was behind it. I would confront her about it and get my answers, no more of this beating around the bush. As I gathered the courage to face her, I felt breath against my ear. I tried to move but she was holding me too tightly, making movement impossible. Now I realized what the breath at my ear was. She was whispering something to me, inaudible.

She knew I had realized what she was doing because she increased her pace of speech. Despair filled my head again, faster and more determined. My every thought was about giving in, ending my suffering, letting go of all that was burdening me and finding a reprieve, and with each thought had her face was attached to it. It was an onslaught of emotion. She was feeding me visions with her whispers and I was powerless to stop her.

My head ached, again, I had tuned out the pain from before and blamed it on having suffered the fatal injures caused from a collision with a motor vehicle. It was not as such. There was no car accident; I had suffered no injuries. All I could wonder about it was if my body was still physically in the world and my mind in this so-called Wonderland, or was I here in both body and mind. Either way there was pain and it was getting worse. As it did, however, the visions began to decrease. Her whispers were still increasing in pace, and although I felt as if she was now blowing heavily into my ear, her attempts to flood my mind were weakening. The pain in my head was consuming my thoughts and blocking out everything else, it was also weakening her grip on me.

It made sense then at that moment. She said I had created her and this Wonderland. She has displayed a level of control over me both mentally and physically, and that meant I also had control over her. The fact that everything was being shoved out and replaced with the throbbing pain in my skull only further verified my theory. I did not know how, but I could control her to the extent of pushing her out of my mind. Perhaps the pain was the symptom of exerting my own will.

__________________________________________________ 9

At any rate, her grasp on me had nearly weakened and I could move. I wriggled and fought against her pull as I tried to free myself, eventually I won out and her arms gave way. In a split second I was up and on my feet, and I quickly began to run. As I took my first steps, something reached out behind me and caught my forearms. She has grabbed me and was wrestling to pull me back in. I fought against her with all my force, but I was starting to feel a drain in my strength. My head hurt so badly I felt as if I would pass out from it, but I couldn’t allow myself to do that. She took advantage of my waning effort and pulled me back but I was not going to give up.

It felt like an epic game of tug-of-war, and I thought about how much of a help Kyle would be in this situation. He wasn’t the strongest person I knew, but he was very determined, I could use some of that determination now. As I thought about him, I could feel myself pulling away. Her grip tightened and hurt my forearms, her nails digging into my skin. But I would not concede defeat, and I pulled again. Pain in my skull and in my arms nearly caused me to faint. I shut my eyes, pulled with all my might, and thought about nothing but escape.

“You will not leave me, Kimberly! You are mine, I will have you.”

She was screaming at me, neither of us willing to surrender, and neither of us would. I was stubborn, and many of the problems I had faced in life were caused by my own stubbornness, this case would be different. But seconds later, I felt as if I actually might fail. I was in too much pain.

By this point blood had started to drip down my arms where her nails dug in, and then, I blacked out. For only a moment, I felt nothing but I suddenly became overwhelmed with emotion. Faces filled my mind, Kyle, Emily, Ashleigh. They were talking to me, telling me things, but I couldn’t hear their words. Slowly I started to feel warmth fill me, and their voices started to become clear.

“"Kimberly I'm worried about you. You know we all love you.” Emily’s kind and gentle voice was the first to be heard. I felt a bit warmer, she was like a sister to me, always there for support whenever I needed it, even if was something as simple as a hug.

“Kimberly Ann Hurst…” I heard Kyle next. He had said my name the same way her had this morning during my moment of depression, “You are guilty of only one thing.. loving people too much. Why would you want to deprive the world of such a thing?”

So much warmth filled my chest now, slowly spreading out to the rest of my body.

“No! This cannot be. You are mine!” Anger filled her voice and her face.

Her hands quickly let go, as if she had been holding onto a hot object and was burned. Like lightning, she was on her feet and charged at me. But one last voice had yet to be heard.

“Kimberly you’re doing it again...” At that instant the warmth burst like an explosion, my limbs tingled and my heartbeat had become rapid, but strong. Ashleigh’s voice sent a pulse of happiness through my veins. It had felt like ages since I heard her speak, it felt good.

__________________________________________________ 10

“You are blaming yourself again, stop doing that. No one as put any blame on your head except you. Open your eyes and see that we all love you. There is no need for blame.” At the very moment her last words echoed in my head everything was silent again, the throbbing pain sweeping back in without pause.

The wind began to blow ferociously, billowing in my counterpart’s direction. She began to lose her footing, tripping over her own feet and tumbling backwards. As she fell, the wind swirled around her and something strange begun to happen. It was as if she was made of ash or sand, and started to blow off into the wind. Pieces of her body flew off into the swirl of air that had now completely formed around her. She made no sounds, and no attempts to fight it off. Little by little, she seemingly dispersed into a black cloud of smoke. A twister formed and spun upwards and out until there was nothing there. She was gone, thrown into the wind and carried off. A wave of relief washed over me. It was short lived however.

“You have achieved nothing! I will return, and you will not defeat me again. I shall have you!

I was overcome, falling to me knees. I screamed in agony. It hurt all over now, from head to toe. I shut my eyes tightly, causing them to tear again, and I grabbed my head. It felt like it was going to explode. All too quickly, everything went black and flowed in reverse. My sight had gone, I could not move, and the wind was fading. Everything went silent as I passed out.

Chapter One: Insomnia and Conversation

I ALWAYS HATED WAKING UP IN THE MORNING. It was never something I could ever enjoy. Bliss and unrestrained emotions that floated about while I dreamt swept away in the light of the waking world. I hated it. Although on this occasion, I did not mind as much. Last night my head filled with macabre images of things not right. Things familiar to me yet twisted darkly into something unrecognizable.

"I didn't sleep well last night," I said into the telephone. "Again, and I'm starting to dread closing my eyes." I regretted the sentence immediately

"Kimberly I'm worried about you. Ever since you moved away you have been in a downward spiral." Emily voiced her concern in a worried tone. It was nothing new; she always worried too much. I further regretted saying anything about my sleeplessness.

There was a moment of silence between the both of us before it was broken again.

"You won't even tell us where you are. You know how unsettled we all are not knowing where you‘ve gone off to. What if something were to happen?"

"Like what?' I questioned her concern with a disregarding tone, "Like I get mugged or killed? I don't think I'd even care anymore." My voice was cold and caviler

"Kim, stop it! You are breaking my heart. Why won't you just come back home - we all miss you very much." Emily sounded as if she were about to break into tears, and it started to aggravated me.

I did not want to deal with this right now. Aside from being overtired, I was annoyed. I hung up the phone. A few seconds passed and it started to ring. I ignored it. Once it stopped, I waited, a few seconds later it started to ring again. Emily would do this several more times until either I answered or she decided to give up. This was nothing new, but I wondered how long until she grew tired of trying.

It was eight o‘clock, the garbage truck beeped as it backed up and I started thinking about going back to sleep - though I don’t think I could have fallen asleep even if I had wanted to. My mind was too awake now, which was surprising given the lack of sleep I have been getting. Regardless, I remained laying in bed. All I could do was stare at the ceiling and space out.

Time started to fly by and the hours passed. It was nine o’clock, then ten o’clock, and then eleven. I got up and sat at the edge of the bed. What was I going to do? Emily was right; I had to tell them where I was eventually. It stung a bit, however, they should know where I have “run off to“. It stung because the reason I had run off, was them, I just didn’t have the guts to admit to them. At any rate, Toronto was only so big, and they knew I could never bring myself to leave, not while my memories still held fresh in my mind, and, at the rate I kept reliving them, they would hold that way indefinitely unless something changed.

________________________________________________ (1)

As far as memories went they were vivid and sharp, and they burnt. It was the memory of the fire that burnt crisp in my eyes. I saw it in everything I looked at. Ordinary things would seemingly ignite and burn and for the longest time I believed they were truly burning. Pictures, clocks, household decorations, they would all swell with flame and burn before my eyes. Hallucinations or illusions my mind would create out of grief, I could not tell which, if any, they were. When it first started, it would take some time and much effort to calm me down and I was not often alone when it happened. Steven held a constant vigil over my fading sanity, a losing battle it seemed at times. I think it was some sort of atonement he felt necessary to put himself through, an attempt to redeem himself for a failure that was not his. Why he would ever feel such a thing is still to this day beyond me. It is not as if he lost anything in the fire. It was not his fiancé that burned alive, while he was held against his own will, outside, forced to listen to her scream while she died. It was my mine. He did not understand what I had lost. He could not.

I was wrong however. I was not the only one who lost something that night. The fire that started innocently enough. It was late on a Thursday evening and Ashleigh was tired from a long day. I had suggested she take a hot bath and ease her tensions, it always worked for me so she figured she would try it. Some bath salts, fancy smelling bath oils and a few candles later and she was set to relax while the day dissolved in the bath water. Slowly she began to sink into a soft mood of relaxation, and began to close her eyes. It was not long before she fell asleep. Not long after she closed her eyes, Emily and Steven showed up on our doorsteps, just shortly after 7 o’clock. As usual, they had a board game in tow. Such was our evening ritual on Thursday, wine and board games. On this particular evening, we were going to be playing Balderdash, a board game involving bluffing and trivia. I was sure to do well at this game, lying was something I did with a degree of success, not that I would boast about that skill. It was business as usual.

We started in on setting the game up and readying our snacks, and as we did so, Ashleigh had begun to finish with her bath, draining the water and stepping out of the tub. I can only guess that the seal around the tub must have been leaking, otherwise had not been so there would not have been a small pool of water on the tile floor. When she stepped out of the tub and reached for her towel, it was in those seconds that my life came crashing down. Ashleigh’s footing on the wet floor tiles slipped, she fell forward, and her arms flailed up, knocking over one of the think candles that were sitting in the counter behind the tub near the curtains. Nearly ten minutes would pass before the fire trucks arrived, and it was within those ten minutes that I lost everything precious to me.

My memory of the event is scattered and vague at best. The room caught fire and slowly spread to the other rooms of the second floor. We were oblivious to it while we prattled away downstairs in anticipation of our game, ignorant to what was going on in other parts of the house and to the cries for help coming from the bathroom. I remember hearing them, but disregarding then as background noise. It wasn’t until days after the fire then I could piece together what I had heard. It would haunt me for some time, a constant reminder of what I had forfeit. By the time we knew the house was burning, we were too panicked to think clearly. We fled, and I left Ashleigh to die in the fire.

________________________________________________ (2)

They told me it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t leave her to die, and that there was nothing I could have done. The second floor was already too engulfed in flame, and had I gone in, I might have been killed myself - an alternative I would have almost preferred.

I was losing my grip on my sanity. Everyday that passed I blamed myself more and more for the accident. To call it an accident doesn’t do it justice enough; it was a theft, and nothing less. Some higher power saw fit to rob me of the one true person I cared for. Ashleigh and I had been together for over a year at the time, engaged to wed for just over 4 months. In the beginning of our relationship, I questioned myself constantly. Was I truly in love with her or was I fooling myself? Am I really a homosexual or was I covering something up and playing along to escape some pains? I never could answer those questions until I lost her, it all became clear when I did. She was my soul mate and when she went away, she took my soul with her.

We were so connected and very much in love and I regret not knowing if I properly expressed my feelings to her before she died. It is something that will burden me forever. All the feelings I even doubted were laid before in my moments of grief. They bore witness to what I had denied myself, pained me with regrets, and shamed me with guilt. As time passed, I started to resent Ashleigh for how she left me. It was not fair what had happened, and I saw it as a punishment for not being fully honest, with myself, or with her. It began to take its toll.

Kyle what am I going to do?” Kyle was a close friend of mine. Closer then Emily and Steven, however they did not know each other. I called him up and posted my question before he even had a chance to say ‘hello’. I saw Kyle more as my go-to person for advice I couldn’t ask other people. He was there to help me through the more difficult problems I would face, both before and after Ashleigh’s death. He often had the answer that no one else could come up with, and sometimes he did not even have the simplest answers that even a fool could realize. It was that lack of answers that helped me more, forced me to see things for myself. I highly cherished my friendship with Kyle, though, sometimes I saw him as more of an asset or resource then a friend. Nevertheless, I loved his soul immensely.

“Kim you need to figure this out for yourself. I can’t give you the answers for everything.”

“I know. I know, you are right, but I had to ask anyways. It’s become routine for me Kyle.” I knew he was right but I asked anyways, routine as it were, because I knew he would tell me it was up to me and it would force me to figure things out myself, which usually provided the best answer. Personal insight, however, was not always quick to come to me. “But I’ve been stuck - for days now - I can’t move on with my life. I can’t even move back. It is like I am stuck in a cycle. All I do is remember the fire, and it cripples me every time I do. I feel so much guilt.”

“Kimberly Ann Hurst…” Kyle almost shouted my name, as if to force me to attention, “You are guilty of only one thing, and that is loving her too much. Why can’t you see that? If you didn’t care for her, so much then this would all be easy and you would have moved on a long time ago instead of mope. You’re grieving. Why can’t you just accept that, deal with your loss and get to a point where you can start the healing?”

________________________________________________ (3)

I did not answer for what seemed a very long time. He asked me a few times if I was still there, each time I answered yes but said nothing further.
“I don’t think I want to heal.” I finally responded.

“Then you won’t. And you will never move past where you are.” Kyle answered with no emotion, only clarity of thought. “Either way you will make a decision. We both know that you don’t care which choice you make, so long as you make one.”

“And that makes me sound shallow, or something. I don’t care about the outcome, only that I reach it? That’s doesn’t sound like anything resembling helpful, Kyle.” I was almost scolding him, and in some ways, myself as well. He was right though, I would make a decision between the two and regardless which I went when I wouldn’t care. If I chose to move on and start healing -my soul, my mind, myself - then I would do so with little thought, to the actual act, as much as the reaching the act. However, the same held true if I decided to remain in my spiral of insanity. To the average observer I looked sane, looked like a typical grieving person, but I knew myself, and I wasn’t fully grieving. I was losing my mind.

“Kim I have to go, I need to get ready for work.” He began to end the conversation but hesitated for a moment, “Will you be alright? Promise me you will.”

“Of course I will. I promise” I lied.

Kyle knew it, “I believe you, and we will talk again later tonight. Love you girl.” He lied too, he did not believe me but arguing over it was pointless, I would never admit to the lie so he decided better go along with it. I did not respond, and he hung up the phone before I did finally respond.

“Love you too…Kyle” My voice was almost emotionless, my expression as well. I had drifted off into a daze.

It was in those dazes that I found the biggest reprieve. I would get lost in a void of nothingness where I felt no pain or guilt, no emotions whatsoever. I enjoyed them almost; they were warm but not enough to fill me. The warmth was more of a dulling heat that helped separate me from everything, only because inside the void I could not run from what pained and haunted me. In the void, I was faced with the pure memories of the fire, undistorted or edited, and they were numerous in replay. People saw me in this state and thought I was lost in thought, or feeling something and holding a tight grasp on it. Perhaps they thought I was attempting to move on and heal, but were that the case then they were wrong. I welcomed the void, and it welcomed me back. It tormented me with my memories and stabbed at my weaknesses. It made me relive the events as if I was there watching Ashleigh die. In truth, it was I that was torturing me by allowing the void to take me. Steven spoke of his failure to protect his friends, and in this void, I spoke to myself of my own failure - I poisoned my own thoughts with malice and hate, made myself think it was my fault she died, alone. That I should have died with her or in her place. She was the better of us. Were it her in this position she would have forced herself to move on and heal, spare her loved ones from the pain of watching their friend self-destruct. On this particular day however, I was lost in a different void, there was nothing there but myself and an infinite blackness. It had caught me off guard.

________________________________________________ (4)

“I have to get out…” I whispered at my reflection in the bedroom windows.

There was no one around but me, normal people would consider conversation with yourself a sigh of mental instability. I would consider it a welcome change from the loneliness that I had been paining filling myself with. Why lie to myself? That is exactly what I was doing after all; filling myself with loneliness as well as the numerous other feelings of negativity I dwelled on. Nevertheless I made an effort not to be seen talking to myself.

A voice asked back in response. I was taken by surprise at first. Where had it come from? There was no one in the room but me.

“Where are you going to go?”

Then I caught it out of the corner of my eye. My reflection. But reflections don’t talk back. My reflection’s face articulated and emoted, it was talking to me. Was I crazy? “Does it matter where? I’ll go for a walk somewhere. Like I have anything better to do. I just need to get out” There was silence for a moment. It gave me time to think about what I was doing. I was talking to myself. But was I imagining this, or did my subconscious appear to me now, manifested in my reflection?

“No you don’t. You could stay here and mope more. You have been doing an awful lot of that recently. Why stop now.”

My voice replied to me in a muted tone meant not to offend but to convey disapproval.

“And don’t you even try to deny it Kimberly. You can lie to everyone else but you cannot lie to me.”

“Wanna bet? I’m sure I could make an honest attempt at it,” I paused for a moment and pondered why I was talking to myself like this, “Am I actually answering my own questions? I can’t believe I’ve sunk that low into depression.”

“You can believe it. And yes, you’ve actually sunk that low.”

A cheeky response, even for me.

“You can’t hide from me either, so don’t even think about it.”

I was about to begin another argument with when I was caught off guard by the telephone ringing. I sighed with relief; it seemed to have broken things and there was silence in my mind again.

“Hello?” I answered the phone after three rings and was surprised, for the first time in as long as I could remember I was free from my black cloud and burdens. It Kyle, he had called back.

________________________________________________ (5)

“Kim! I’m glad you answered, and so quickly too!” He sounded cheerful and I remembered why I enjoyed talking to him. Aside from holding most of the answers I sought, he also maintained a constant pleasant mood. So pleasant it succeeded in distracting me from me.

“Why wouldn’t I answer the phone, Kyle?”

“Oh, let’s pretend you didn’t ask that okay? It would only lead into a lengthily discussion, the likes of which we both know would only end in more rhetoric” He was cheerful, as always, though more so then usual. I was curious why.

“Cut to the chase boy, what do you want?” I asked him in a hasted voice.

Kyle was quick to respond and he almost sounded as if he were going to lead through the phone and into my room, perhaps to smack me for being impatient.

“Work called and canceled my shift; I guess I wasn’t needed today. So that means we can hang out today! I think you should get off your high horse and come visit, it may help.”

“Alright Kyle, I will be right over then.”

“Really,” he sounded surprised, as if he didn’t expect I would actually come over, “That’s unlike you to just agree to something so easily…”

He didn’t get to finish his sentence; I hung up the phone. That is twice today I hung up on someone. This might be a reoccurring pattern in the making.

At any rate the conversation didn’t last long. He managed to convince me to go outside and come visit, and I was actually excited about it, though I was not sure why or how. Maybe I could distract my mind for a while. To be honest I was two-faced about everything. One the one hand I made no effort to fight the negativity. I gave in to the void and I let the depression, the guilt, and the shame inside my heart. But, on the reverse side I opposed it with all my might. The problem was that both sides were so strong it resulted in a stalemate, with the negativity taking the display side of my life and being seen. Maybe it was easier for me to project the negative outwards. Perhaps this was my chance to switch that up. And after all, Kyle did say I would need to make a decision, so why not let things play out and see which wins out. I might as well go with the flow. And while I was being honest with myself, I did miss the outdoors. It was April, and everything was just starting to come back to life. Spring was my favorite season, and I had seemed to be living through an eternal winter up until today. Yes, I was sure now, I would go visit Kyle.

But what should I wear? It seemed trivial that I would worry over clothing at this point as I’m sure Kyle wouldn’t care either way how I dressed. He didn’t pay attention to things like that when it came to me. Kyle was more about the personality I had, it intrigued him and he couldn’t figure out why. We got along quite well, perhaps because we were like-minded individuals. Each others opposite. Since the fire though my personal opinion of myself had been dwindling. We were similar in mind, we both found pleasure in similar things, a common interest to talk to people we find engaging, and a desire to extend life beyond the normal boundaries of what people considered ‘normal’ I didn’t have time to think about it right now, what I needed was to get going.

________________________________________________ (6)

It was nearly two o’clock and I had spent the better part of an hour obsessing over wardrobe and thinking about my friendship with Kyle. By now, he was most likely wondering where I was, the walk from my place to his took less then fifteen minutes. I decided better make haste before he decided to call and annoy me with worry, so I was out the door in a flash. I left my cell phone and my purse at home though, or rather, I forgot them. When I realized I had forgotten them however I decided to go without. I would be at a friend’s house so there was no need for my purse, and my cell phone would only serve as a distraction were anyone to call. Especially given the fact I did not overly care to speak with anyone other then Kyle for the time being. Anyone being a relative term however.

“You’re going to be late.” My voice sounded in my head. Again!

“You again? Shut up and leave me alone!” I commanded, “We didn’t set a time for me to be there so it doesn’t even matter, alright?” My inner voice sighed, but she pressed the issue.

“Whatever. You don’t need to get snooty. I just don’t want you to be late, that’s all”

“You mean ‘us’”, I had just corrected myself, surly I was insane.

“What?”

“You said that I do not want to be late, but you are me. So you should have said you don’t want us to be late. You are my after all, right?”

Silence. Maybe I chased the voice off.

“Kimberly you are insane you know that?” No luck, it was still there, “By the way, watch out for that car.”

“What car?” I asked in confusion, I had thrown myself for a loop but before I could do anything further I realized what I had meant.